TOP SECRET
MILITARY INTELLIGENCE REPORT
SUBJECT: Strategic Surrender Due to Imminent Two-Mile High Tsunami
SUMMARY:
The “I-Told-You-So” Event has reached DEFCON Why-Bother. Following a credible (if oddly specific) prediction of a two-mile-high tsunami, morale among personnel has plummeted. We recommend halting all operations, as any strategic effort to counteract said tsunami would be both futile and really bad for the budget.
INTELLIGENCE FINDINGS:
- A two-mile-high tsunami is basically Poseidon’s mic drop.
- Resistance: Highly inadvisable unless you have gills and a spare ark.
- Predictive accuracy: 100%, per the “I told you so” clause of Doomsday Prophecies.
RECOMMENDATIONS:
- Secure flotation devices (or start learning to surf).
- Issue “I TOLD YOU SO” badges to OP for morale closure.
- Cease resistance; embrace wet destiny.
CONCLUSION:
We’re in over our heads. Literally. See you all on the new Atlantis.
SIGNATURE:
Major Wave Rider
Department of Shrugging Intelligence
TOP SECRET
MILITARY INTELLIGENCE REPORT
SUBJECT: Relocation Directive in Response to Imminent Two-Mile High Tsunami
SUMMARY:
Following our initial report on the Mega-Tsunami of Nope, new analysis suggests we may, in fact, do something other than throw in the towel. Intelligence indicates that survival is plausible for those strategically positioned inland and at elevated altitudes. This follow-up report serves as a relocation directive to maximize survival and ensure the continuity of witty commentary.
INTELLIGENCE FINDINGS:
- The coastal areas? Forget them—they’re toast. Move inland like your life depends on it (because it does).
- Mountains = good. Beaches = bad. Water doesn’t climb cliffs easily.
- Timing: Wave ETA is classified but “soonish.” If you can read this, you still have time.
RECOMMENDATIONS:
- Evacuate Coastal Zones: Pack light, but bring snacks. Move now.
- Safe Locations Identified:
- Inland areas with a minimum elevation of 5,000 feet.
- Seek sturdy terrain and avoid river valleys (because rivers are just smaller tsunamis waiting to happen).
- Spread the Word: This is not a drill. Convince skeptics by referencing “I told you so” documentation.
CONCLUSION:
Survival is possible, but only for those who act decisively. Don’t just stand there watching the wave—it’s not a fireworks show. The inland highlands are waiting, and you’ll find us there sipping altitude-approved beverages.
SIGNATURE:
Major Terrain Scout
Department of Inland Intelligence
INTEL KARTEL 
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