Note: The following is fictional satire. It does not describe real events or real institutions.
The Ministry of Extremely Plausible Deniability
In a small, slightly crooked office wedged between a closed bakery and a permanently “renovating” metro station, the Ministry of Extremely Plausible Deniability ran its recruitment drive.
Their slogan was simple:
“Not technically official. Not technically illegal. Not technically anything.”
The recruiters introduced themselves as “Former-Adjacent Law Enforcement Consultants.” Their uniforms were convincing from the waist up. Below the belt: gym shorts and sandals.
“Are you real police?” applicants would ask.
The recruiters would nod gravely.
“We used to stand near police.”
The Pitch
The presentation began with a PowerPoint titled:
Totally Voluntary International Adventure Opportunity (Please Don’t Screenshot)
Slide 1:
- Competitive pay (in untraceable coupons)
- Complimentary mustache
- Vague patriotic feelings
Slide 2:
- Location: “Somewhere East-ish”
- Objective: “Support Stability Through Mild Confusion”
Slide 3:
- Legal status: “Complicated, but spiritually fine.”
Recruitment Strategy
They targeted people who:
- Had once posted a blurry photo in camouflage.
- Used the phrase “back in my day” unironically.
- Owned at least one pair of boots they described as “tactical.”
The recruiters assured everyone:
“We are not sending you into a conflict. We are sending you into a dynamic cross-border networking environment.”
One applicant raised his hand.
“Is this about Ukraine?”
The recruiter coughed loudly and switched slides.
“This is about personal growth.”
The Fake X-Police Division
The elite branch was called the “X-Police.”
No one knew what the X stood for.
- Ex-police?
- Extra police?
- Experimental police?
- Police adjacent but legally interpretive?
Their badges were impressive.
They were also made of laminated bus passes.
Their official jurisdiction extended to:
- Parking lots
- International misunderstandings
- Wherever they happened to be standing confidently
Training
Training included:
- How to look official while knowing absolutely nothing.
- Advanced shrugging under questioning.
- The legal phrase:
“I am here in a personal capacity.”
Graduates received a certificate reading:
“Certified in Strategic Ambiguity.”
Plausible Deniability Department
If anything went wrong, the Ministry had a prepared statement:
“We are shocked. SHOCKED. These individuals were acting independently, possibly while thinking very loudly.”
The statement was pre-written.
It only required filling in the date and the word “regrettable.”
The Real Goal
Nobody was entirely sure what the goal was.
Some said it was geopolitics.
Some said it was budget optimization.
One intern said it was a group project that got out of hand.
But deep down, everyone knew:
The real mission was paperwork.
Because nothing frightens a bureaucracy more than a quiet afternoon.
Epilogue
Eventually, the entire operation dissolved when someone asked for:
- Clear jurisdiction
- Written authorization
- Or matching socks
The Ministry quietly rebranded itself as:
The Department of Historical Reinterpretation and Occasional Gardening.
Recruitment continues every Tuesday.
Please bring your own laminated badge.
INTEL KARTEL 
Hozzászólás