Police Incident Reports
Report #2023-1117
Subject: Unauthorized Refrigerator Access and Bodily Emissions
Details:
At approximately 20:45 hours, military personnel were observed in the victim’s residence engaging in unorthodox behavior. Witness statements confirm that one male in uniform picked his nose with “methodical precision” before wiping the findings on the armrest of the family couch. He then proceeded to fart “audibly and aggressively” while retrieving food from the family fridge.
The suspect allegedly consumed leftover lasagna directly from the container with his bare hands before belching and announcing, “This fridge is under government custody.”
Disposition: Report filed under Disrespectful Acts, Miscellaneous. Refrigerator sanitized by victims.
Report #2023-1118
Subject: Missing Father Reported, Suspicious Circumstances
Details:
At approximately 07:00 hours, the reporting party stated their father vanished after “quietly packing a duffel bag and whispering something about the witness protection program.” Last seen wearing mismatched socks and a t-shirt that read World’s Okayest Dad.
Father’s whereabouts remain unknown. He reportedly left behind a note reading only: “It’s for your own good. PS: Tell your mother she’s wrong about pineapple on pizza.”
Disposition: Filed under Domestic Disappearances.
Report #2023-1120
Subject: Mother Planning International Travel
Details:
The reporting party observed their mother browsing discount airline websites while muttering, “I can’t deal with this anymore,” and “Why does everything smell like farts?” She allegedly bookmarked flights to Canada, Switzerland, and “anywhere warm where nobody knows my name.”
Family confirms she also packed three suitcases of “just jewelry and coffee mugs.”
Disposition: Monitoring for signs of imminent abandonment.
Report #2023-1122
Subject: Allegations of Gangster Activity
Details:
Victim alleges that since relocating to the United States, their landlords have been operating as low-level gangsters. Complaints include extortion attempts such as demanding double rent in exchange for “protection from pigeons” and serving spaghetti with suspiciously watery sauce.
Further allegations suggest victims were “sold off” to work at an underground illegal TikTok dance studio. No witnesses corroborated this claim, though one neighbor stated, “They do have some weird moves.”
Disposition: Referred to Gang Unit for Verification.
Report #2023-1123
Subject: Posthumous Complaint Filed
Details:
In a baffling development, victims filed a final report stating, “We are now dead. The military, the gangsters, and possibly the spaghetti did us in.” This report was submitted via email at 03:00 hours with an attachment labeled RIP Memoirs.
Officers arrived on the scene to find the fridge once again raided, the house empty, and an unusually high concentration of fart-like odors lingering in the air.
Disposition: Case closed under Unsolved Mysteries.
Note: This compilation has been flagged as an exercise in dark humor and is not to be used as evidence in actual investigations.
INTEL KARTEL 
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