INTEL 39 39 393-03 92

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THE TOTALLY NORMAL MEDICAL USABILITY INDEX™ (DARK HUMOR, DEFINITELY FICTIONAL)

Welcome to the future, where your annual checkup includes a mysterious score nobody explains.

1. The Score (0–100%)

• 100% – “Fully operational human. Please continue pretending everything is fine.”
• 75% – “Mildly functional. Requires caffeine and denial.”
• 50% – “System unstable. Recommend naps and existential dread.”
• 25% – “Running on vibes alone.”
• 0% – “Has achieved enlightenment or forgot their password to reality.”

2. How It’s Calculated
No one knows. Not even the doctors.
Rumors include:

• Number of unread emails
• Ability to assemble IKEA furniture without emotional collapse
• How often you say “it is what it is”

3. The Doctors
Doctors enter notes into a system called “Totally Not Judging You 2.0”
Common entries:

• “Patient appears aware of the chaos. Concerning.”
• “Laughs at inappropriate times. Might understand too much.”
• “Asked too many questions. Reduce internet access.”

4. Society’s Reaction
At first, everyone took the scores seriously.
Then someone with 12% started giving life advice—and it worked.
Confidence in the system dropped to 3%, which was still somehow considered “above average.”

5. The Great Downgrade
Eventually, the system rated society itself at 41%:
“Needs improvement. Recommend sunlight, honesty, and turning it off and on again.”

Society responded by:

• Ignoring it
• Arguing about it
• Making a podcast about it

6. The Shadow Committee (Probably Just Dave)
There are rumors of a secret group controlling the index.
In reality, it’s just Dave from IT trying to fix a spreadsheet that gained sentience in 2014.

7. Final Diagnosis

• Humanity: “Complicated but salvageable”
• System: “Buggy but persistent”
• You: “Somewhere between 0 and 100, depending on the day”

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