Here’s a satirical Onion-style article with a serious, deadpan tone. It is fictional and intended as satire.

Prison Reform Advocates Demand Open Carry Rights for Inmates, Arguing “If Anywhere Needs More Guns, It’s Prison”

WASHINGTON— Calling the current system “an obvious contradiction in public safety philosophy,” a coalition of self-described constitutional purists argued Tuesday that open carry laws should immediately be extended to state and federal prisons, insisting that incarcerated people have the greatest need for firearms because they spend every day surrounded by dangerous criminals.

“People always say they carry a weapon because you never know when you’ll encounter someone violent,” said coalition spokesperson Dale Mercer while gesturing toward a correctional facility. “Well, congratulations—we’ve found the one place where you know with absolute certainty you’ll be locked in a building with hundreds of convicted violent offenders. If firearms are the answer to personal security, prisons should be handing them out at intake.”

Supporters of the proposal criticized what they described as an irrational double standard in which firearms are permitted in grocery stores, parking lots, restaurants, and family reunions, yet remain prohibited in the one environment where residents unanimously agree that the people around them may pose a serious threat.

“It’s almost as if society believes introducing more weapons into highly volatile situations might actually make them more dangerous,” Mercer said, pausing briefly before adding, “But that would raise some uncomfortable questions about every other place we’ve decided guns are the solution.”

The organization unveiled a series of recommendations, including holsters matching prison uniforms, inmate-run firing ranges in recreation yards, and conflict-resolution seminars entitled Shoot First, File the Grievance Later.

Correctional experts reacted cautiously, noting that the proposal would likely increase violence, accidental shootings, and the average duration of every routine disagreement over television privileges.

Advocates dismissed those concerns as fearmongering.

“If you truly believe that an armed society is a polite society,” one supporter explained, “then the most polite place on Earth should be Cell Block D.”

Critics pointed out that prisons intentionally remove access to weapons because the state recognizes that densely populated environments filled with conflict, desperation, and individuals with violent histories are precisely the kinds of places where adding firearms creates unacceptable rRisks.

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